I can only imagine…

Sept 30, 2012

I can’t imagine that I got here. Here is where I call peace. Here is now, today. But, I have been “here” and then poof, it disappears. I hope it will stay this time. I pray it will. But you see, I am addicted to my addict. I can relapse at any time as well. Like they say, it’s one day at a time, and today is a good day. You see, it’s been at least ten years of hell.

I have always loved the song from Love Story. I was driving in the car, and I kept hearing that song in my head. I hummed the first few lines that I knew, but I couldn’t remember the rest. I knew this song was a sign for me, at that time, at that moment. I had to pull my car over and pull up the song and listen to it. I had always thought it was a love song between a man and a woman, but suddenly, this song came to me as a Love Story between a mother and her daughter.

Where do I begin?

To tell the story

Of how great a love can be

The sweet love story

That is older than the sea

That sings the truth about the love she brings to me

Where do I start

 

With the first hello

She gave the meaning

To this empty world of mine

That never did

Another love another time

She came into my life

And made the living fine

She fills my heart

She fills my heart

With very special things

With angel songs

With wild imaginings

She fills my soul

With so much love

That anywhere I go

I’m never lonely

With her along who could be lonely

I reach for her hand

It’s always there

 

How long does it last

Can love be measured by the hours in a day

I have no answers now

But this much I can say

I know I’ll need her till the stars all away

And she’ll be there…

How long does it last

Can love be measured by the hours in a day

I have no answers now

But this much I can say

I know I’ll need her till the stars all burn away

And she’ll be there…

Where do I begin

September 29th

Where do I begin…….

Where do I begin to tell the story of my life and my journey from insanity back to me? It’s a long story, and I am going to skip around on my thoughts, as they are on my heart now and will unfold each time I write.

My daughter Brittany is the oldest of six beautiful children. She was my precious first born. Her bright big blue eyes memorized me. I was a new mom, and when she was born, I swear we were soul mates. Something about her, something that made me need her just as much as she needed me. It’s been that way our whole life. I always felt like I had to protect her. Always. I don’t know why, it was just a feeling. And I can always remember early on a gut feeling that was telling me to enjoy her because she wouldn’t always be here. At the time, early on, I thought that meant she was going to die. Now in retrospect, I have lost her to drugs. The little girl that had so much potential, the little girl that was a gift from God for me to take care of, was gone. Gone yes, a loan from God, but now I have returned her, released her back to God and I have learned to let go. God can handle it, I thought I could, In fact I knew I could, but, I came to know that I Can’t, I couldn’t and I never will be able to. I have a new peace about me that I have never had in my life, and I have to say, at this moment in time, she probably is at her most desperate moment, and an abundance of God’s peace surrounds me and I feel like he is telling me, “you finally let go…I have her right where I want her to be.”

This is a picture of Brittany when she first started experimenting with drugs