That’s what faith can do~Never give up, God is listening

Do you hear me???…echos a whisper in my head~  Yes, God, I am listening, I have always listened, even when I doubted you were here. I heard your voice tell me to “have faith, miracles can happen.” Yes, my dear Lord, Miracles Do Happen When my faith is in you.

 

Anyone who knows me will certainly agree my faith has been tested for many years. But, through all of this, and because of this, I have a stronger faith than I ever could have dreamed of and could not have achieved without all of the suffering I have endured. I will be forever grateful that God has taken me down a path that no mother ever imagines she will go. But, God has shown me MIRACLES can “just happen.” And I am thankful that at this moment, my beautiful daughter Brittany is a miracle. She has been drug free almost one year. That continues to ring in my ears, “almost one year….Do You Hear Me????” I smile to myself, and softly repeat back those words I’ve spoken to God so many times,”thank you, Lord.”  

I will write more about my journey to this point, and my forever journey that still lies ahead. But at this moment, I sit in silence, reflecting on that inner voice, and my precious miracle.

 

Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes
And make a new beginning

Anyone can feel the ache
You think it’s more than you can take
But you’re stronger
Stronger than you know

Don’t you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

It doesn’t matter what you’ve heard
Impossible is not a word
It’s just a reason
For someone not to try

Everybody’s scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It’ll be alright

Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

Overcome the odds
You don’t have a chance
(That’s what faith can do)
When the world says you can’t
It’ll tell you that you can

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do
That’s what faith can do

Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise

 

Songwriters
DAVIS, WILLIAM SCOTT/KRIPPAYNE, SCOTT

Published by
Lyrics © Warner/Chappell Music, Inc.

Entrust Your Loved Ones To Me

 

“ENTRUST YOUR LOVED ONES TO ME; release them into My protective care. They are much safer with Me than in your clinging hands. If you let a loved one become an idol in your heart, you endanger that loved one–as well as yourself. Remember the extreme measures I used with Abraham and Isaac. I took Isaac to the very point of death to free Abraham from his son-worship. Both Abraham and Isaac suffered terribly because of the father’s undisciplined emotions. I detest idolatry, even in the form of parental love.

When you release loved ones to Me, you are free to cling to My hand. As you entrust others into My care, I am free to shower blessings on them. My Presence will go with them wherever they go, and I will give them rest. This same Presence stays with you, as you relax and place your trust in Me. Watch to see what I will do.”
Excerpt from “Jesus Calling” by Sara Young

 

 

 

 

Another moment in time~

Let Go and Let God

 

As children bring their broken toys

With tears for us to mend,

I brought my broken dreams to God

Because he was my friend.

But then, instead of leaving Him

In peace to work alone,

I hung around and tried to help,

With ways that were my own.

At last, I snatched them back and

Cried, “How can you be so slow?”

“My child,” He said, “What could

I do? You never did let go.”

 

I have carried this poem in my wallet for so many years. Too many to count, too many years of trying to do it on my own, giving up trying to be in control of her recovery, and finally letting God FIX her.  It’s been almost four months that I have been “working” on this. I have certainly had my ups and downs, shed some tears, and, patted myself on the back. I found out that Brittany is living with Jon’s grandparents.  She does not know that we know. The mother part in me takes comfort in knowing that she is in a safe place, off of the dangerous streets, no longer homeless. It was difficult knowing she was living in a world of “hell” but I felt like it would help bring her to the realization that she did not want to forever live life on the streets. As a mom, I am always thinking, “that has to be her “ROCK BOTTOM.” But in my mind, I thought many of those had come,  but for Brittany I guess they were not a big enough fall. You see, she got rescued, and the enabling is basically being transferred to a new family member that can’t bear to see them suffer. BUT, I am trusting God, and this must be his plan.

 

On another note, a musical note….here comes the bride…Did you know my beautiful daughter Brittany got married? YES, it’s true. You may ask, “How did we find out?” The way any parent in this modern age of technology should. On Facebook.  I guess they just went to the justice of the peace. I imagine she thinks we know because we do read Facebook, but we have never acknowledged it. I guess this also falls under the category of “One of those things I never imagined would happen to one of my daughters.” Do I laugh or cry? I guess you could say both. It’s very bittersweet. I know in Brittany’s heart, she always wanted her dad’s approval of the man she loved. But Andy has never met him, and he knows that he is a drug addict, and it’s just another poor choice in her history of “poor choices.”

 

For now, I will continue my journey ~ I will continue trusting God’s plan, and I will really try to learn how to forgive myself and realize I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it, and I can’t cure it.

 

Blessings to all

Finding The Answer~A poem written to Brittany by her Grandmother Nolah

This beautiful poem was written to Brittany from her grandma she called Nanu. It was actually written November 12, 2011. Nolah passed away this past June. I believe she is watching over Brittany from Heaven. Brittany had a very special place in her heart, and her grandma never gave up on her. She loved Brittany more than any words could ever express, and she prayed daily that she would find her way out of her terrible addiction. This is a beautiful poem she wrote to Brittany…hoping she would someday find the answer.

Happy 25th Birthday, Brittany

 

Happy 25^th Birthday Brittany

 

Today is Brittany’s 25^th birthday. I am trying to think when Brittany was actually “home” for a birthday? It is sad, but I truly can’t remember. She would have been in a rehab…somewhere, left to celebrate another year that passed as an addict in a recovery center. How I long to be able to celebrate “life” with her, not to be reminded that today, I am grateful she is alive to celebrate another birthday, but it just shouldn’t be this way. I didn’t sign up for this way.

 

God, how I miss my beautiful girl. I miss her a lot today. I wish I could put my arms around her, like when she was a little girl, and tell her, “You are getting so big!” To hug her so tightly and whisper, “I am so proud of you.” One of the kids, probably Brenden, like always, would have completely decorated the kitchen, so when Brittany came in, it would be a perfect birthday celebration.

 

It’s really hard because I know she is thinking of me, and she is remembering that she is not at home again to celebrate her birthday. She probably tells herself she can’t remember when as well. I know we both feel a sadness that only we share because we wish it could just be.  My heart continues to break.

 

This birthday is different. This is the very first time ever that I don’t even know where she is. Do you really want to know what’s so hard for me to accept as a mother? I know she is alive, but I have to treat her as if she were dead. Tough love. God, who is it tougher on??? I have to, so I can let her go, and choose to get better. I have to let go, so I can begin to heal from all of this pain. But sometimes, I would rather endure the pain just one more time to be a part of her life, even if it’s just for a brief moment. I wish I could say I’m done “feeling” but a mother’s love can just not stop. Try and understand…I must treat her like she is dead, not talk to her, try to forget about her, try and move on, but she is NOT dead. She is alive, and it’s her birthday. She will always be my baby, my precious little girl.

 

It’s like I have an angel on one shoulder, and a devil on the other. The conversation goes somewhat like this.

 

Angel: Trust God, Let go, and he will take care of her

Devil: She is alive, She is not dead. How are you going to really feel if she dies and you made the choice to completely give up on her and not speak to her?

Angel: She needs to do this on her own

Devil: You had the chance to love her unconditionally like God says to do, and you blew it…when she is gone, you will never get those moments back, even if they weren’t always good.

Angel: You have to have faith…God has given you free will, but it is your choice to trust

 

I play this over and over in my head. What good parent wouldn’t? We are only human. What if I make the wrong choice? What is the right choice? We must learn to trust God, and have faith, but what God teaches us as the most important thing in life is to LOVE all of his children unconditionally, as he would do.

 

Well my sweet Brittany, I love you with all my heart and soul. On your special day, I just want to remind you that I am always and forever praying for you. Life by itself is a gift, so never forget to thank God for it. Moreover, never forget to make the most of it. Happy Birthday to you. May God bless you with abundant peace and joy. ~Mom~

God Brought me an Angel

Yesterday, I decided to go to San Jose to run some errands. It was a really nice day because I wasn’t feeling stressed about anything, and I didn’t feel like I had to rush, or the need to constantly look at my watch, I just felt calm…

 

I love to shop at Good Will~Honestly, it is probably one of my favorite things to do. It’s one of those kind of feelings that you get a sort of rush when you find something, nothing I really need, but it’s the hunt that intrigues me.

 

I had to run to the mall and I had to go to the bank. But, having my new little I phone, I thought I’d just ask “Siri” where the closest Good Will store was. She happily told me there were 14 stores in the area. Hmmm, which one to choose.  So, I just went with the first one, and pressed directions. It lead me to somewhere I had never been to in San Jose. But, I told myself, I’m up for exploring, and off I went. When I arrived, I was pleasantly surprised at what a nice selection they had. I pick out a few things, and then off to finish my errands.

 

I came out of the parking lot, and just missed the green arrow to turn left. On the corner in front of my car stood an older black gentleman with a cane holding up a sign asking for money. I rolled down my window and gave him a couple of dollars. He looked at me, and with the biggest smile and said “Wow, thank you so much, you don’t know how much this means to me.” He acted like I had just handed him a million dollars. The light turned green, and I started to go. I didn’t get very far, when I heard a voice in my head tell me to stop and turn around and go back to that man. It’s hard to explain. I’m thinking I need to get to the bank before it closes. Then I hear the voice again tell me to turn around and go back and give him more money, because he needed it more than I did, and the voice (which I am calling God, speaking directly to me) said he had something to share with me.

 

Recently during a sermon in church, we learned to really try to hear God, and to be obedient. I’m thinking to myself, Self…I think God is asking me to be obedient. I actually said it out loud to myself. Part of me was saying, come on, I have things I need to do, but a stronger part inside me was tugging at me to turn back. By now I was on the freeway. So, I got off the freeway, got back on going the opposite way and went back and parked my car in the Good Will parking lot.

 

I walked out to the middle of the intersection, on the Island where the man was standing. He looked up at me and said, “Aren’t you the one who just gave me money a little bit ago?” I said yes. Then I handed him a $100 bill. He started to cry. I asked him if he wanted to go across the street and get a donut. He said yes. As we started to walk, I asked him if he believed in God. He answered, “of course I do.” Then I think I shocked him when I said that God had sent me back to him because he was supposed to tell me something. He didn’t act like my question was odd at all. I could tell by his accent he was from the south. He began by saying, yes; I have a story for you. “Three weeks ago, my sister died, and she lived in Oklahoma. One week later, my brother never woke up. I lost two of my siblings back to back. One of my brothers offered to pay for my plane fare, but you see, I am on dialysis, and I am the first person on the waiting list for a kidney. As much as I wanted to go, I couldn’t risk losing my place in line. Then he told me that he couldn’t believe I gave him the money. He said that he was on Medicare, and they had him on some medications, and he just didn’t have enough money this week to pay for them until he would receive some more money the next week.  He said he was so happy that now he could go get the medicine. He told me he was really embarrassed to be standing on the street corner asking for money, but he said because of the times, he had no other way.

 

Then, I told him about Brittany, being a heroine addict. Living on the streets…how senseless it was. He told me that he had once been a heroine addict, but he was 30 years clean. He kept saying, it was just a shame that she had gotten into it. The more we talked, the more I felt a bond with him. We both were suffering, in such different ways, but God brought us together. What started out as something “nice” that I felt I was doing for someone else, turned into how blessed I was to have met this kind soul. He asked me if I had a pen. He wanted to give me his phone number. He told me I could call him at any hour of any day if I needed someone to talk to.

 

He shook my hand, and we wished each other well. I told him that I hoped he got his new kidney really soon. Then we parted ways. I got into my car…somewhat in disbelief about what I had just experienced. I had an inner peace like I have never had before. I just kept thanking God for bring this man into my life and how much it had touched me. I know, I will never forget him, or this day.

 

This was just a new stop on my journey, a path that led to healing.

This is an “Ah-Ha” moment for me~

Do you ever listen to a song, and think, wow, I really like this. You hum along; you have a verse or two memorized. You hear the song in your head, but do you really hear the song? Do you ever have a moment when you say to yourself, “gee, for the first time, I really get the true meaning of this song? When you have that kind of “ah-ha” moment, it’s pretty darn amazing.

 

Here is something I would like you to do.

 

1. Please take a moment and click on this link to listen to this song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=syKpkglSsdY

2. Read the lyrics to the song

3. Then, I would like to take a moment and share with you some of my thoughts~

 

I Believe in Love~By Barlow Girl (Christian Band)

How long will my prayers seem unanswered?
Is there still faith in me to reach the end?
I’m feeling doubt I’m losing faith
But giving up would cost me everything
So I’ll stand in the pain and the silence
And I’ll speak to the dark night

I believe in the sun even when it’s not shining
I believe in love even when I don’t feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe

Though I can’t see my stories ending
That doesn’t mean the dark night has no end
It’s only here that I find faith
And learn to trust the one who writes my days
So I’ll stand in the pain and the silence
And I’ll speak to the dark night

I believe in the sun even when it’s not shining
I believe in love even when I don’t feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, ….
No dark can consume Light
No death greater than this life
We are not forgotten
Hope is found when we say
Even when He is silent

I believe in the sun even when it’s not shining
I believe in love even when I don’t feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe.
I believe.

 

This is a song about faith. This is my new journey….to have faith, and not lean on my own understanding. Faith is blind trust. We can’t see it, but it’s like God’s at the wheel, He is in charge; Driving the car, and I am his passenger….Destination? UNKNOWN.

 

So you listened to the song. It’s about believing, but did you catch the analogy in regard to faith??? We all, or at least a good portion of us want to believe in faith. To totally trust God. To give up “our” control, and release it, and let God be in control. That is true FAITH. It’s so hard to grasp because we want to be able to see it, hear it, touch it, smell it or at least feel it. Then it is a “tangible” thing. If so, We could grasp that, and wrap our minds around that sort of concept of faith.

 

This song is so beautiful. It’s a song that when you really listen to it, it has made “FAITH” something tangible in the sense that we can truly understand. For example, the song says, “I believe in love even when I don’t feel it.” YES…We all know what love is. Like faith, we can’t touch it, taste it, smell it, or hear it. It’s invisible, but we learn to trust in it from the day we are born. It makes us feel good, it comforts us, and we feel it surround us. Sometimes love is so strong, it embellishes our every being. And at times, we may not feel loved, be in love, or love what we are doing. But we still BELIEVE IN IT!!!  

 

Like the sun, you know it’s there. You can count on it everyday. It’s never going away. But, there does come a time when it sets, or it’s hidden by clouds, it’s momentarily gone, but you KNOW it’s still there. You still BELIEVE IN IT.

What a great explanation of FAITH. It’s so amazing how God can reveal something so meaningful to me, right when I need it the most. I am like a child. I am learning to trust and have faith, and I so appreciate when God uses his mighty chalkboard to teach me.

 

What is so interesting about my journal is that I believe that God is my author. I can go days without posting, then all of a sudden it’s like magic. A thought comes into my head, and the words begin to flow, just as if God were holding my hand, pen to paper, and giving me the words to write. I believe they are meant to be shared.

Letting Go of The Past

A valuable lesson I learned from my daughter Brittany~

I can remember early on when Brittany was a teenager. She really did beat to a different drum. But, it just wasn’t our kind of music…..Brittany was very eccentric, artsy and creative. She dressed in a way that (I sadly say today) kind of embarrassed Andy and I. She was making her own fashion statement that was somewhat different than ours. She wanted pink hair, blue hair, weird hair…you name it. God forbid we be “judged” for how our daughter looked. What would everyone think? Would they think we were horrible parents to let our daughter go out in public that way?

So, to not be “that parent,” we told her in so many words that she could not BE who she TRULY was. We squelched the true person she really yearned to be. We formed her into what society would call “appropriate.”  We took a harsh stance and made her into what we thought she should be. We made her feel bad and insecure about herself.

I so wish I could turn back time, re-set the clock, and parent differently. I am in AWE  that Brittany liked to be different. She was her own person, and she embraced it. It made her feel good. She didn’t care what other people thought, she was different then the norm, and damn proud to be. DIFFERENT  DIFFERENT DIFFERENT Wow, what a concept. We made “HER DIFFERENT” feel like she was socially unacceptable. At this age, almost all girls want to dress the same, act the same, so they “fit-in.”  She was proud to “stand out.” Instead of us looking at the word “DIFFERENT”, we should have substituted the word “UNIQUE.” By God, why does “different” have to be labeled as bad in today’s society????  Brittany was UNIQUE, and she wore it on her sleeve. How many kids her age would be willing to step out of their comfort zone and be so brave?

Personally, I now admire those individuals that can be uniquely different. I believe it’s a gift, or as we get older, more mature and wiser, we also realize, we really don’t give the same credence to what people think, and we too embrace who we have become. HMMMMM, to be young again and savor the true me, and to have had the courage to make my true identity known and not just pretend to “fit in” with the crowd.

Today, I do parent differently. I appreciate every special trait my kids have. Andy’s cousin said it perfectly. “Our children are like a bouquet of flowers. Each stem is beautiful~individually shaped and formed just the way it was made.”

And the “judgment” part….that’s a whole another subject where I have COMPLETELY changed due to what I learned from Brittany. Just like what I said above, I have learned to stop judging. It’s not my job to judge…in the end, it’s really God’s decision and for now, I will just let him do his job!

When Stars Align…

I want to say thank you to all of you that are reading my blog, and for your kind comments, and loving support. It means everything to me! I feel like you are helping me on my journey. For those of you who know me, I have a very hard time outwardly expressing myself, so by being able to write about this has been very healing.

I talked to my mom today, and she said that she and my dad read my blog and felt so bad, and really had no idea of all the deep pain Brittany had caused me. Obviously, they new a lot of what has going on in my life with Brittany, and have always been there, cried when I cried, and I am guessing shed many tears that I don’t even know about.  But, for them to read it, I guess it made it even more real. I answered my mom with these words~”You know, for all the misery and pain I have been through all these years, I wouldn’t change any of it. This has made me the person who I am today and I am so different because of it, and it’s truly changed the person I am today for the better.” I honestly have to praise God, because he turned a tragedy into a blessing.

This afternoon, I went in to get my nails done. There was a very sweet girl there that started talking to me. We were total strangers; yet, we had so much in common. She started by telling me she had a date tonight and was really excited. She was bubbly and talkative. I am not sure why, but for some reason, she shared a story with me about her tragic past. Could she tell I too had a tragic past? It was like God had this meeting planned. I then shared my story about Brittany. What was so interesting was that she, as I had shared earlier to my mom, said she would not have changed anything about her past situation because of who she is today. I feel blessed to have met her.